A Moon Will Rise From My Darkness

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The past few weeks have been nothing less than challenging, confusing, and emotional.   There are a lot of feelings, and memories that have been brought up from my childhood that I was never able to really see, or even remember, for what they are until now.  Unfortunately, these memories have thrown me in to a state of emotional catastrophe.  Things that were hidden in my subconscious for decades.

My childhood was not easy.  Growing up in “that” household was not easy.  Looking back now, the decisions that I made as a teenager, and young woman were in direct response to the way I was treated, or the experiences that I went through during my younger years.

Truth be told, I was a pretty messed up person for many many years.  Allowing people to hurt me, enduring pain and continuing in situations that anyone who truly loved themselves would never have allowed themselves to stay in.  It is all starting to make sense now, but it doesn’t change the emotions I feel when I realize why I turned out the way I did.9e5bc0f7d2b2be021968e110b86953e6

I try to remain positive, and happy and remind myself that some days are just ‘bad’, but the reality is that life is one big blessing and that challenges are meant to be there so that you can be reminded of the good.  But there are some days that leave you feeling so defeated and overwhelmed that you don’t even know how to digest your thoughts so you are able to differentiate what makes sense, and what doesn’t.

When I am at my darkest I try to remind myself that they say that with pain comes healing.  Although you are feeling your lowest, the hope is that it can only get better from that point forward.  Fingers crossed.27b51aa4dc95e0cfd1eaa7b15c28f128

 

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Exactly Where I Am Meant To Be

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I question my life sometimes.  I wonder where I am going, and where ill end up.  It feels like every time we get to “that” place in life, the place where we thought we longed to be, we feel like we need to push further, farther.  Unsatisfied?  or bored?  Why do we never feel like we have run through the finish line?

I remember when I was younger.  My goals were to get married, and have children, both of which I accomplished.  It may have taken a while longer than I had anticipated, but I made it, I am here, but I feel like I am supposed to be reaching for more, pushing myself further, setting new goals to reach, but what is it that needs to be accomplished?  What is it that I need to do to make my life satiating?

Sometimes along the way obstacles fall in your path, and you questions where you are going.  I sit here right now and wonder if this is where I am meant to be?  Did I grow up for all of those years and make it to that place that I always dreamed of?  Is this the place in life that I always wanted to be?  Did I make myself proud? Did I make my family proud? I am here, but sometimes it feel like I am missing steps, or I skipped the obvious along the way.

Life truly is a work in progress, and the sooner we realize this and just enjoy the journey, the sooner we will realize that is life and what it is truly about – enjoying the moments, and appreciating everything that they have to offer.

The Art Of Forgiveness | The Most Precious Gift To Yourself

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I am the first to admit it – I let things fester, unnecessarily, to the point where I lose sleep, and dwell on things.  I get to the point where I attach all memories to a specific event, or person and I only see negative.  It turns all of my acquired human decency in prickly little attitude which takes away my shine.  It turns my happiness into frustration.  It take’s the quality of my joy and turns it into mediocre.  It take’s the authenticity out of me.

The thing about fairness in life, is that it just doesn’t happen.  You can take a look at your past and all the events that have bothered you to all different degree’s and you will learn, from your continued life experiences, that it just doesn’t happen.

There have been situations where I have sat there, literally for day’s, month’s, or in certain circumstances, years and thought that what someone has done to me has been so unfair.  No one in their wildest imagination would see their actions towards me justified by any means. I do tend to distance myself from people who hurt me, physically… but letting go and keeping your distance, mentally, is something that takes a little more discipline.

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Do I believe in Karma?  Yes.  Did any of these individuals ever get what I felt they justly deserved to come back to them for treating me a certain way?  No.

Being imprisoned by these hurtful actions does not do anything except lock you into an emotional prison where you are left trapped, and unable to move forward in your own journey.

Don’t lose your joy.  Don’t function as a mediocre being when you try so hard to shine each and every day.

All the years you have waited for them to “make it up to you” and all the energy you expended trying to make them change (or make them pay) kept the old wounds from healing and gave pain from the past free rein to shape and even damage your life. And still they may not have changed. Nothing you have done has made them change. Indeed, they may never change. Inner peace is found by changing yourself, not the people who hurt you. And you change yourself for yourself, for the joy, serenity, peace of mind, understanding, compassion, laughter, and bright future that you get.”

Lewis B. Smedes 

The Art of Forgiving: When You Need To Forgive And Don’t Know How

Patience Is A Virtue: A Mommies Point Of View

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Patience: The ability to wait something out or endure something tedious without getting riled up. Having patience is the ability to remain calm. It involves acceptance and tolerance.

It sounds so easy, yet patience is something that I never understood the depths of until becoming a mother.

In 2011 I was in conversation with a friend of my husbands, an slightly older fellow, who has a son of his own that is well into his adult years. The first thing he told us after congratulating us on our ‘big news’ was that we would ‘now know the true meaning of patience’. Boy, did he ever pick up a thing or two during his journey as a father!

I love my son dearly. He is my bright shining sun on a dark cloudy day. There are no words to describe the love I have towards him!   Please allow me to introduce you to the true meaning of patience, or how I have come to know it in my own personal world over the past 19 months.

Patience is sleeping on the wood floor of your childs bedroom all night long because your son wants to hold your hand as he sleeps. Patience is drowning out the mentally exhausting screams and cries of a child who thinks his life is in ruins because he cannot quite grasp the concept of asking mommy to pass him a toy he cannot reach, or does not understand that when another child just grabs a toy that it is not right to grab it back. Patience is having to get up off the toilet because your son is new to potty training and decides that he wants to “pooh-pooh” at the same time as your first potty break of the day in your one bathroom apartment….you know he won’t “go”, but you don’t want to deny him the opportunity. Afterall, you’ve taught him to tell you that he needs the potty when his body tells him he has to “go” to the bathroom.

Before having a child I would have described patience as waiting in a line up that seems to never end, or driving behind someone who cannot seem to figure out that the gas pedal actually controls the speed of the car.

Exhausted from horrible sleep I hear empathy screaming at the top of its lungs to me, “hey!  you there?  … while you’re busy being tired and exhausted what about your son and his feelings?” My subconscious was right. What exactly did my son see through his eyes when I was busy enduring the tedious, remaining calm & accepting, and tolerant?  Indeed, he was busy learning the values of humanity that would define his own character in the years to come.

What my son saw was a lesson in devotion, and caring; He saw a mother who stood by his side during the night. He loved her so much that he wanted her to be there every wink he took to peek at her during the night. He was showing me that he cared. He was showing me appreciation.   He was learning a lesson in respect; by politely asking for a toy that he couldn’t reach, or learning how to share with someone who he doesn’t even know. He was learning a lesson in independence; learning when his body needs the potty and asking for help to do so – showing me that my hard work and dedication was paying off.

As a mother, the definition of patience does not mean waiting or enduring. To me, patience has meant learning. Lessons for both my son and I that are not easily taught. Traits that are developed over time through the interactions of the world. Valuable lessons that both of us will use or cherish for the rest of his lives. My son taught me the real meaning of patience, and for that I will forever remain grateful to him.