It started at 12pm …
I arrive at Grandma’s to pick up my oldest and find, to my dislike, that he knows where the scissors are and is trying to reach for them in a cupboard that he can access. I question her and she responds defensively. Yes, I know you have raised four children of your own – I am married to one of them – but this is MY son. My pride and joy, and I tell ya – if anything ever happened to him there would be HELL to pay – do you hear me?! ….
I walk away calm and respectful. I call my husband and tell him we need to have a “talk” when we get home. l try to place my son to bed a while later but my mood is “off” and I think my son can sense it. I really SUCK at hiding my feelings – especially negative ones. He’s hyper as hell and I swear he wants me to have a breakdown. My youngest, 1 month old, is now screaming at the top of his lungs. I have two children both 2 and under and I am thinking to myself how absolutely horrible I must be…. is God punishing me for something ? seriously, WTF!?!?!?!? HELP ME, i’ve been good, and patient, I’m honest, respectful …. I deserve a break – don’t I?? This HAS to be a conspiracy between the two kids, right? Perhaps in my former life I did something to deserve this? … &#)%&)#@*$_*_@ I’m holding my infant, and bouncing him, sweating myself away, and trying hold my older sons hand as he is laying in his toddler bed. We are sitting in the dark, and the sheer intensity of my tears is somehow managing to sooth my infant … my son is still …. being a toddler! I think to myself, any mother would LOVE this moment, I am sure, but I feel a sense of frustration that i’ve become all too familiar with – and I don’t like it, not one bit. I am failing miserably at being a mommy ;(
Right now I have no energy, mentally, even physically. I am in tears, and my thoughts are focussed on self-doubt and my capabilities as a mother. I try, in every situation, to find the positive and reach into the deepest part of my knotted stomach to find an ounce of hope – but some days, like today, I just can’t do it. My doubt is so grand that, through my eyes, the whole world must know how inadequate I am. Everyone must see what a failure I am, right?!
The truth about parenting is this – it’s challenging – more days than not. I can try to convince my honest self that I am great at it, but the truth be told – I am hesitant at even giving myself a mediocre mark at my attempt to nurture and raise these two young boys.
This blog is meant to be positive, and real. I can see that my demeanour today is negative/ questionable but I want to speak truthfully. I want to express my feelings of frustration, and sense of inadequacy in hopes that other mothers out there will not think they are alone – that they will understand and know that we are going thru the same battles … some more frequently than others.
… and in an instance, like magic, they’ve exhausted their tiny bodies and both fall asleep – soundly. It’s so quiet in the house that the silence seems surreal … I look at them both and my heart aches because of the sheer amount of frustration I had just moments prior. I love these boys more than myself – and to doubt my abilities makes me hurt so badly – it makes me ache so painful. I feel ashamed. My world is, simply, incomplete without the chaos.
I want to just take a moment and give a “virtual hug” to everyone who feels like this – even if it was just once in their lives. I am hoping to see the light at the end of the tunnel – soon! … Here’s hoping to the future, and to more “good days” to come xo