A Moon Will Rise From My Darkness

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The past few weeks have been nothing less than challenging, confusing, and emotional.   There are a lot of feelings, and memories that have been brought up from my childhood that I was never able to really see, or even remember, for what they are until now.  Unfortunately, these memories have thrown me in to a state of emotional catastrophe.  Things that were hidden in my subconscious for decades.

My childhood was not easy.  Growing up in “that” household was not easy.  Looking back now, the decisions that I made as a teenager, and young woman were in direct response to the way I was treated, or the experiences that I went through during my younger years.

Truth be told, I was a pretty messed up person for many many years.  Allowing people to hurt me, enduring pain and continuing in situations that anyone who truly loved themselves would never have allowed themselves to stay in.  It is all starting to make sense now, but it doesn’t change the emotions I feel when I realize why I turned out the way I did.9e5bc0f7d2b2be021968e110b86953e6

I try to remain positive, and happy and remind myself that some days are just ‘bad’, but the reality is that life is one big blessing and that challenges are meant to be there so that you can be reminded of the good.  But there are some days that leave you feeling so defeated and overwhelmed that you don’t even know how to digest your thoughts so you are able to differentiate what makes sense, and what doesn’t.

When I am at my darkest I try to remind myself that they say that with pain comes healing.  Although you are feeling your lowest, the hope is that it can only get better from that point forward.  Fingers crossed.27b51aa4dc95e0cfd1eaa7b15c28f128

 

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Exactly Where I Am Meant To Be

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I question my life sometimes.  I wonder where I am going, and where ill end up.  It feels like every time we get to “that” place in life, the place where we thought we longed to be, we feel like we need to push further, farther.  Unsatisfied?  or bored?  Why do we never feel like we have run through the finish line?

I remember when I was younger.  My goals were to get married, and have children, both of which I accomplished.  It may have taken a while longer than I had anticipated, but I made it, I am here, but I feel like I am supposed to be reaching for more, pushing myself further, setting new goals to reach, but what is it that needs to be accomplished?  What is it that I need to do to make my life satiating?

Sometimes along the way obstacles fall in your path, and you questions where you are going.  I sit here right now and wonder if this is where I am meant to be?  Did I grow up for all of those years and make it to that place that I always dreamed of?  Is this the place in life that I always wanted to be?  Did I make myself proud? Did I make my family proud? I am here, but sometimes it feel like I am missing steps, or I skipped the obvious along the way.

Life truly is a work in progress, and the sooner we realize this and just enjoy the journey, the sooner we will realize that is life and what it is truly about – enjoying the moments, and appreciating everything that they have to offer.

The Art Of Forgiveness | The Most Precious Gift To Yourself

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I am the first to admit it – I let things fester, unnecessarily, to the point where I lose sleep, and dwell on things.  I get to the point where I attach all memories to a specific event, or person and I only see negative.  It turns all of my acquired human decency in prickly little attitude which takes away my shine.  It turns my happiness into frustration.  It take’s the quality of my joy and turns it into mediocre.  It take’s the authenticity out of me.

The thing about fairness in life, is that it just doesn’t happen.  You can take a look at your past and all the events that have bothered you to all different degree’s and you will learn, from your continued life experiences, that it just doesn’t happen.

There have been situations where I have sat there, literally for day’s, month’s, or in certain circumstances, years and thought that what someone has done to me has been so unfair.  No one in their wildest imagination would see their actions towards me justified by any means. I do tend to distance myself from people who hurt me, physically… but letting go and keeping your distance, mentally, is something that takes a little more discipline.

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Do I believe in Karma?  Yes.  Did any of these individuals ever get what I felt they justly deserved to come back to them for treating me a certain way?  No.

Being imprisoned by these hurtful actions does not do anything except lock you into an emotional prison where you are left trapped, and unable to move forward in your own journey.

Don’t lose your joy.  Don’t function as a mediocre being when you try so hard to shine each and every day.

All the years you have waited for them to “make it up to you” and all the energy you expended trying to make them change (or make them pay) kept the old wounds from healing and gave pain from the past free rein to shape and even damage your life. And still they may not have changed. Nothing you have done has made them change. Indeed, they may never change. Inner peace is found by changing yourself, not the people who hurt you. And you change yourself for yourself, for the joy, serenity, peace of mind, understanding, compassion, laughter, and bright future that you get.”

Lewis B. Smedes 

The Art of Forgiving: When You Need To Forgive And Don’t Know How