Maybe I Am Not So Good At This? … The Truth About Being A Mommy Of Two

It started at 12pm …

I arrive at Grandma’s to pick up my oldest and find, to my dislike, that he knows where the scissors are and is trying to reach for them in a cupboard that he can access.  I question her and she responds defensively.  Yes, I know you have raised four children of your own – I am married to one of them – but this is MY son.  My pride and joy, and I tell ya – if anything ever happened to him there would be HELL to pay – do you hear me?! ….

I walk away calm and respectful.  I call my husband and tell him we need to have a “talk” when we get home.  l try to place my son to bed a while later but my mood is “off” and I think my son can sense it.  I really SUCK at hiding my feelings – especially negative ones.  He’s hyper as hell and I swear he wants me to have a breakdown.  My youngest, 1 month old,  is now screaming at the top of his lungs.  I have two children both 2 and under and I am thinking to myself how absolutely horrible I must be…. is God punishing me for something ?  seriously, WTF!?!?!?!?  HELP ME, i’ve been good, and patient,  I’m honest, respectful …. I deserve a break – don’t I??  This HAS to be a conspiracy between the two kids, right?  Perhaps in my former life I did something to deserve this? … &#)%&)#@*$_*_@    I’m holding my infant, and bouncing him, sweating myself away, and trying hold my older sons hand as he is laying in his toddler bed.  We are sitting in the dark, and the sheer intensity of my tears is somehow managing to sooth my infant … my son is still …. being a toddler!  I think to myself, any mother would LOVE this moment, I am sure, but I feel a sense of frustration that i’ve become all too familiar with – and I don’t like it, not one bit.  I am failing miserably at being a mommy ;(

Right now I have no energy, mentally, even physically. I am in tears, and my thoughts  are focussed on self-doubt and my capabilities as a mother.  I try, in every situation, to find the positive and reach into the deepest part of my knotted stomach to find an ounce of hope – but some days, like today,  I just can’t do it.  My doubt is so grand that, through my eyes, the whole world must know how inadequate I am.  Everyone must see what a failure I am, right?!

The truth about parenting is this – it’s challenging – more days than not.  I can try to convince my honest self that I am great at it, but the truth be told – I am hesitant at even giving myself a mediocre mark at my attempt to nurture and raise these two young boys.

This blog is meant to be positive, and real.  I can see that my demeanour today is negative/ questionable but I want to speak truthfully.  I want to express my feelings of frustration, and sense of inadequacy in hopes that other mothers out there will not think they are alone – that they will understand and know that we are going thru the same battles … some more frequently than others.

… and in an instance, like magic, they’ve exhausted their tiny bodies and both fall asleep – soundly.  It’s so quiet in the house that the  silence seems surreal … I look at them both and my heart aches because of the sheer amount of frustration I had just moments prior.    I love these boys more than myself – and to doubt my abilities makes me hurt so badly – it makes me ache so painful.  I feel ashamed.  My world is, simply, incomplete without the chaos.

I want to just take a moment and give a “virtual hug” to everyone who feels like this – even if it was just once in their lives.  I am hoping to see the light at the end of the tunnel – soon! … Here’s hoping to the future, and to more “good days” to come xo

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The Baby Diaries: How I Found The Love Of My Life, Again!

roman

Motherhood is a beautiful thing.  A true blessing from up above that i’ve never found comparable to anything else in my life.  It is a truly unique experience all on its own that has been not only the most rewarding experience, but also the most challenging.

As baby number 2 gets ready to make his big debut in 16 weeks I remember, all to well, the anxieties and worries of being a new mom.  There were no words, books, or affirmations that could prepare me for the transition.  My days literally went day by day, and to be honest they still do – my first-born is now 20 months old and it’s still a learning curve.

Opinions of others drove me nuts – especially from individuals who have not yet had their own, or from parents who had their children 10+ years or so ago that have blocked out having to wake up every hour, exhaustion, crying and lack of esthetic and domestic upkeep.  I know they meant well, but seriously … tell me in a few years from now, okay 😉

What I can tell you about my experience as a new mom was that I wish I had embraced it more – insanity, sleeplessness, chaotic cries … AND ALL.  If there is one thing that I can tell you is that not everyone wants, or has the option to have more than one child.  You do not necessarily have the opportunity to “do it again” and the hours and days you spend stressed, anxious and frustrated will all be gone way too soon and you will not necessarily have the option of “round 2”, so to speak.  The moments that challenge you are only a blink of an eye in the grand scheme of things and then you will be on to something else that will test your patience.  Trust me, I live in the real world and I write this remembering all so clearly the dirty stinky diapers, the midnight visits from the “vomit monster”, hours or tears (from me) our of sheer frustration and insecurity … but in my mind I hear the “Mama Please”, and the “I ro ro” (meaning i love you) and my heart melts and I become a ball of emotional fuzzy warm mush. That is what being a parent is all about – we’ve never done this before.  There is no training manual, or flip or switch that gets things onto the smooth path … so every day and ever circumstance is new.  Learn to go with the flow.

When my son was a few months old, and I was just getting the hang of how to handle my newborn, the newborn stage became a distant memory.  As he grew a little bigger he began to sit up and crawl around … and then I missed the days that I could just hold him in my arms, so docile and calm.  And then he decided to walk and start saying words such as “no”, and “more” … and then I missed the days of just propping him up on a pillow and thinking how amazing it was that he was able to sit up and give me that little googly smile that told me he loved me.  I didn’t take those moments for granted, but the moments were only here for split seconds … and then gone, and I missed them.

If there was anything that I learned from the first year of my first child was to appreciate the moments.  Appreciate everything and be patient even with the most frustrating, and negative of feelings because it doesn’t last.  Don’t expect a perfect child because they don’t exist.  The perfect child IS your child.  Don’t put expectations on yourself.  Learn to love and embrace all of it.  Once you can genuinely say you’ve done that then your journey as a mom will be worth every sleepless night. I can promise you that much! 

I am honored to say that i’ve found the love of my life twice, and am excited meet my third in just a few short months.  I love my boys!