4 Important Lessons You Learn Through Difficult Times, by MAURA HUGHES

While difficult times can feel like a deep dark hole that we can’t escape and we often wonder “Why is this happening to me?”, there is a silver lining to tough times. It’s through the difficult times in our life, that we are able to grow. It’s when we are tested that we are able to rise, push through and come out the other side stronger, braver and bet

No one wants to struggle. No one wants to even admit their struggling. We all want to have Photoshopped versions of our own lives that fit perfectly into an Instagram square. But life does not work like that. Every one of us will be faced with a variety of tough times in their life. It is one of the few things we can really count on.

The truth is, there are some important lessons in life that we are only taught through difficult times and they can become the silver lining to the darkness.

1. Who your real friends are.

It’s an unfortunate and often time brutal truth to learn that someone we once thought would be there no matter can’t be counted on. Difficult times have a unique way of trimming off the fat in our lives. If someone does not truly care, they will not make the effort to be there. End of story. The realization that someone you love doesn’t make you a priority can knock you off your feet but it will save you time and energy that would have been spent trying to be there for them in the future. Eventually, you will learn who really matters, you will be grateful for them and you will have cleared out some emotional space for someone who will be there for you, through thick and thin.

2. The depth of your strength.

“It builds character,” was my mom’s favorite response to any complaint I had growing up. As annoying as that line was, it is true. Nothing builds our strength like surviving difficulty. Nothing forces us to leverage what we have, dig deep and come up with every ounce of integrity, patience and strength like a hard time. When you survive something, your internal scoreboard registers it. Imagine as if your internal synapses are pushing an extra win into your win/loss column and the next time you go into battle, your will take an inventory of what your winning record is and bulk up your confidence that you can survive and thrive, no matter what you are facing.

3. What really matters in life. 

Difficult times tend to turn our worlds upside down and anything that is nailed down to the floor will go flying. Sometimes it’s comforting to know what actually does stick, what is still hanging in there after the world goes awry. Because when we’re right side up again, we’ll be able to look a little more closely at those things, take a bit better care of them and love them even more for being unmovable. Most of us spend most of our days worrying about everything but what we should be worrying about. But after a difficult time, we’re less likely to worry as much about the little things and focusing on those unmovable pieces in our life that really matter.

4. How to be grateful. 

Difficult times leave us with a lasting impression. They alter us and change the way we view our lives. We have learned who and what matters in our life and undoubtedly we have a greater appreciation for them. Surviving hardship gives us a broader perspective on what hardship really is. You will look back on the things you use to complain about and be thankful they are your only worries. After we have survived a difficult time, we are given a deep gratitude for our life.

Difficult times will happen. To find the light, we have to go through the darkness and while you’re in the midst of it, try to take a deep breath and remember that the lessons you are learning will shift your view of life. You will learn what matters, who matters, how strong you are and how lucky you are to exist. That’s what difficult times teach us and they are some of the most important lessons we can ever learn.

Original Post; http://www.purposefairy.com/80874/4-important-lessons-you-learn-through-difficult-times/

Loss: A Journey Of Survival

Dealing with loss is never an easy process.  It can take the joy right out of your soul in seconds, and change everything you have every know.   It can even change you.  Are you ever the same after losing someone?

There are all kinds of loss.  Loss of a parents, grandparents, siblings, children, friends.  Loss of ideas, concepts, and hopes.  Loss of dignity, pride and self.  It doesn’t matter whom, or what the loss is, it all ends in the same way – pain, confusion, hurt, anger.  It can put us in a very dark place.  A place that is there which leaves us questioning our meaning of existence, our beliefs, and ourselves.

I’ve had a lot of losses in my life.  My first “loss” was when my parents divorced.  I was six years old and I remember the time period – it stands still in my mind.  It’s a whirlwind of events, but for some reason the moments I remember are played so slowly.  My parents were just not meant to be, and I clearly understand that now, as a grown woman, but as a little girl my world was shattered.  I remember asking my Dad to stay in my room so that I could sleep.  I asked him to sit beside me for nights because I feared losing him.  I feared waking up and not finding him there anymore – not knowing where he went.  Life as I knew it was different from the rest of my friends and I was scared.  I did not understand the concept of Mommy and Daddy not being together anymore.  What did that mean for me?

Years later I lost my Grandfather. This was the first time I had physically lost someone.  I lived in a different city, and remember the phone call from my Dad.  Hearing words of loss is never easy.  Trying to figure out how to deal with it is something that you are unaware of when you are 13 years old.  I cried, as I hurt.  I lost my Grandpa – which little girl doesn’t cry?  I was a child still.

Love is stronger than death even though it can’t stop death from happening, but no matter how hard death tries it can’t separate people from love. It can’t take away our memories either. In the end, life is stronger than death.” ~ Unknown

1998 was one of my most challenging years.  I was working with elderly people.  Loss was inevitable in this job.  It was also the year that my Step-Dad and Grandma were both diagnosed with cancer.  I remember that summer being filled with confusion, and many tears.  Cancer is a hellish disease.  I thought I was “trained”.  My medical experiences had prepared me.  I had a full understanding of how this disease would take its toll, and take the very life from my loved ones.  Watching them die in front of you is much different from receiving news on the phone – I took a leave of absence from my job and devoted my time, knowledge, experience and love to both of these people, my family members.  I took over palliative care – spent nights in the Cancer Agency, and palliative care homes. My efforts of love and devotion could not win the battles that were in their lives, and eight weeks apart was just too much for me.  I looked at death in a different way now – I was scared of it, and it had its control on my life.  I was scared to drive, I was scared of my loved ones driving,  I was scared of accidents, I was scared of disease.  I went so far as to not order food from a restaurant for delivery for fear of something happening to the delivery man and me being responsible for taking away someone from this earth who was loved my friends and family in their lives.  I was scared of everything in this world that would potentially take away someone I knew, someone I cared for, or worse – someone I loved.

One could say I did not handle this well … and nearly 20 years later I still feel scared of death.  I’ve lost more friends, and family.  And each time it takes away my faith in reality in this whole life process.

If you don’t realize the source, you stumble in confusion and sorrow. When you realize where you come from, you naturally become tolerant, disinterested, amused, kindhearted as a grandmother, dignified as a king. You can deal with whatever life brings you, and when death comes, you are ready. Lao Tzu

And then loss, at its finest … miscarriage.  This is not only a physical loss, but this is an emotional loss.  Horrific, and indescribable.  I have had two successful pregnancies between 2011 – 2013 and have two beautiful boys.  Why would I think that this would happen to me?  But apparently,”This is common”, they would tell me.  “We are surprised this has not happened to you yet!”, another would say.  Wait? What?  Am I really hearing this?  The idea of not seeing my babies heartbeat on my ultrasound, or feeling them kick and move in my belly was sad enough, but the reality of “what could have been” broke my heart to pieces.  What would my baby have looked like?  What would she, or he have grown up to love?  Would they have had the most beautiful smile, just like my two boys?  What caused this?  Was it me?  Was is God’s plan?  Was I being punished?  What did I do wrong to deserve this? Am a I horrible person?  What did I do in my past live to deserve this?  Did someone hate me so much that they wished this upon me?

My baby would have been born last week, and so i’ve sat here going through the motions and trying to understand loss a little better.  Making an effort for Loss and I to become pal’s so I can empathize a little easier.  What is it that causes us the tears, that horrible ache in your heart, the feeling that causes those uncontrollable tears.  Because my mind wants to identify it, and grab it and throw it away and never think of it again, or do I?  If I am able to figure out what I can do to block those emotions does that make me a horrible person?  Heartless?

There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief… and unspeakable love.  ~ Washington Irving

I realize now that it is nothing that anyone can prepare for, prevent, or even accept gracefully.  Loss is horrible, and it breaks you down.  Only time can heal, and that is because of the distance it creates between you, and when it happened.  Time … will eventually heal all losses.

And after the tears stop I sit back and think just how lucky I am to be alive and to have experienced all of these memories, especially the ones that hurt so much, the losses that broke me into pieces, and tore my soul apart.  I pick up the mess I have turned into, and I remind myself that I hurt because I loved so much, because I cared so much, because I let things matter to me from the deepest parts of my being … because at the end of the day what it comes down to is that some people are never this lucky.  I am blessed.

 

 

 

Good Riddance; Letting Go and Moving Forward

With each year, as we approach the closing of the year, we begin to reflect on life reminiscing about the past years adventure, contemplating the things that we had hoped to experience, or move away from.  Every year is the same story – we have 365 days to try to get it right.  Some of us go full force with guns blazing, and others of us get sidetracked, or simply give up.  Unsuccessful, you learn to accept that some challenges were not met head on, and prioritize them into your current set of goals in the new year to come.

Every year I have the intention to work on “me” – convincing myself to let go of things that hurt or caused me to feel in a negative manner, and figure out better, more cathartic methods, of trying to overcome obstacles in my life.

2afeb32c5cc98a7cfa4d7ea91161420e

The past few years have been devoted to learning how to balance family, friends, and my career.  It has not been easy.  Each day I work through how to put 150% effort into each of these really important things in my life … there never seems to be a cut and dry answer, and sadly when I do have days when I feel like life is feeling balanced, and my efforts are evenly distributed amongst my family, friends, and career, I find that the one thing I do forget about is myself.

67c59a84ca5f8d62c3b1a0d14841181e

 

My goals for the past year included finding a job that I dreamed of – being in an environment that I not only loved, but felt comfortable, challenged, and motivated.  I wanted a job I was passionate about, and not just a job that I would “settle” at.  

My family goals were to be a better mother, and wife – which, I am still not sure exactly what that means.  Does that mean I smile more so than not? or am I just never grumpy, or bitchy towards my husband? 

My friends goal was to weed out the manipulative, negative, and hurtful persons, and get closer to the ones that I felt had a more authentic, genuine, and loyal persona.  The biggest challenge over the past two years  was being disappointed in people’s expectations of me, and individuals lack of loyalty and respect towards the friendships that I shared with them.  I am sensitivite to things that are said to me, or behind my back.  I am an emotional being, as most of us are, and have let things take effect on me far more than they ever had the right to be in my world.  Slowly I am learning that i’ve kept far too many negative people in my life for much longer than they should have ever been there for.  It wasn’t “them” that was doing something to me, it was “me” allowing these individuals the “right” to be in my world.  Unlearning the rule of “be nice to everyone” was difficult because I felt that it was going against all of what I knew to be “right” – what God taught, what elders preached.

213647b4c3348bfd17fa2b38bf9f815a

Did I get it right last year?  when I sit here and write out my view on where I started, and ended in 2015 I feel like there was a progression.  But do I feel 100% satisfied?  No.  I think that goals are great, and working on creating a better, positive, and more fulfilling life, in general, is a healthy thing to desire.  There is nothing wrong with wanting the best for yourself.  It is not selfish when you want the best version of your life – creating this will make you a better person in return.  There is always room for improvement, and that is one of the beautiful things about this life – we have the right to create our own choices – our own path, and our own destination.

Each year we have the chance to start over again, to move forward from the hurt, the lessons, the challenges, and try to do it right. Celebrate the accomplishments you made this year, and reevaluate where you would want to be a year from now.  Hold yourself accountable for what you want in your life, and make it happen.  In a few days you will be able to close the door on this chapter, and move forward into the next.  What you choose to bring with you is up to you – take life lightly, love with all of your will, and remember to make yourself a priority in 2016 xo

2016 New Year celebration display with the date outlined with fiery sparklers in green and blue on a black background

 

 

 

 

 

Setting Boundaries: Turning Expectations Into Appreciation

wpid-2014-12-07-04-44-10-1.png
Abolition of the drama, and tying up loose ends can be both cathartic, and liberating, especially when it comes to situations or circumstances that have lingered on much longer than they should have – days, months, perhaps years?  So, imagine my surprise when I finally gathered enough courage to confront a situation that had been causing a lot of negative feelings only to be told that I did something horribly wrong to hurt someone ….WHAT?  How did I hurt you when I was minding my own business?  As I continue, you will see how ultimately it was myself that caused this to happen.
I am a giver.  I love to give and to see people smile.  I love to make days brighter if you are feeling sad, or even just having a normal same old day.  I love to be generous, not only because it feels good but, because in my mind I know that it is good karma – you can never give too much.   It doesn’t have to be something grand, it just needs to be the thought put into it.  It can be anything from giving a friend a bouquet of flowers, to taking them out for dinner, to writing them a nice card from your heart, baking a friend a batch of cookie, etc.   I give to friends, and family members.  I give to strangers, food banks, charities, homeless people.  I donate religiously to causes for animals, health research and anything that tugs at my heart-strings because I can, because I want to, because I am free to do so, because it makes ME feel happy.  It makes me shine – and when I shine, I feel wonderful.
I felt that I needed to make a change at the beginning of last year so I really tried to take a look at what the cause was, and what I could do to not only protect myself from feeling this way, but also see the reality of my situations.  I took an honest look, and the “things” I was doing for people, and the way I was being treated were not adding up.  The balance was off kilter and it was impacting me negatively.  It hurt and I was not feeling joyful or happy about doing things for people – I was beginning to feel like it was an obligation.  So, I chose to make a conscious effort to be selective of the individuals I spent my valuable time with. I began to set boundaries.  Not huge boundaries but just enough to create a little distance so I could work on what I was struggling with.  I felt that my boundaries were keeping me focused, on track and committed to the most important thing in my world, my family.
Ultimately, I felt like I was being taken advantage of by many people – not being fully appreciated for the things I was doing for them.  Some of the people who I was trying to distance myself from were friends I that have known for many year, literally decades. So, in hindsight I can definitely see, from their point of view when they say that it looked like I had changed – perhaps I did.  After all, my priorities had changed.  My focus was on being a wife, and mother of two children.  My energy was redirected to them, and gladly so.
I was doing fantastic.  When I did have some time to spare I was spending time with, and becoming closer to, wonderful, beautiful individuals – people who were inspiring, intellectual, positive influences, and limiting the time from those energy draining people aka the energy vampires.
There were many different individuals, but the one that was bothering me the most was my best friend.  I could feel the distance invading my friendship with my best friend of twenty plus years, but I just chalked it up to being a result of the boundaries that I had set for myself as I previously mentioned.  I felt that I needed to keep distance from her, in particular, because of the relationship she had with her husband.  We did not see eye to eye on many of the issues when she would come to me for advice so I chose to back away avoiding tension in our conversations, as I can be quite blunt at time – especially when it comes to situations that continue to happen over and over again.  I appreciated that this was her path she was wanting to travel.  It had nothing to do with me – I was just simply feeling protective of someone I loved and hoping that the friendship would just work its way through the bumps, as things had in the past.  I was being respectful.
Since I made this change I can literally count on both of my hands how many times I had not only seen her, but talked on the phone. I missed her, but took responsibility for the way things were going – after all, I was not happy with my feelings at the beginning of the year, made my boundaries –  so I really needed to put myself first, for once.  I figured that she was doing the same thing.
The distance became greater, more obvious and awkward – it was completely apparent that there was hostility, over the past few months, as my text message were no longer responded to, my phone calls were ignored.  Of course, I was completely hurt as the months continued on, but I took responsibility for the way I felt, even if I was feeling down for her not being more involved in my life because the reality was that my personal boundaries would , obviously, result in this distance.  Whether I welcomed it or not, it was something that I knew I had to do in order to make me happier – it was not specifically directed at her, it was a phase that I had to work thru in my own personal world.  The reality was that I had been busy being a mother of two, and spending my moments raising my children, not accommodating her needs.
default
What this ultimately comes down to is that her expectations in a certain situation were not as she had anticipated.  She was disappointed that I did not put as much effort into a material gift that was given to her – she felt that it was much less than I had done over the past twenty years, and she was offended by it. I’m still confused how someone has the audacity to say that out loud, but yes, we’ve all experienced disappointment, but would you honestly say that to someone??  I’ve witnessed homeless people show more appreciation for the food I have given them!  Saddened, beyond words.
To hear that out loud broke my heart because over the years I have been so giving.  You would roll your eyes at me if you knew some of the things I did to make her, and others happy. Disappointed, deeply.
I indirectly take full responsibility for this particular bump in my path because I know in my heart that if I had set my boundaries years ago, things would have turned out differently. I would have been more guarded, and the end result would not have been the way I am feeling right now.
Expectations …. it will destroy friendships if you begin to take someones kindness for granted.  Learn to appreciate their efforts before you destroy a friendship based on characteristics that you would never even look for, in a potential friendship, in a first place.  There is no room for expectations, especially without appreciation, in genuine friendships.

Eliminating Anger: Rid Yourself Of The Toxic


32102_20121105_122212_tumblr_mch94yJube1rzmi5do1_500-1
Negative energy is all around us.  It’s one of the most consistent emotions in our world.  Negatives come in all forms – jealousy, rage, disappointment, anger etc…  When these feelings creep up on us it is very important to analyze exactly what it is that has us feeling so.  It is extremely important to peel back the layers and find the exact cause of what is bothering us.

Negative emotions and reactions can be uncomfortable for everyone – epecially ourselves.  We give off a certain energy that everyone can see – I am not good at hiding when I feel this way – it’s written all over my face.  This toxic energy can cause a lot of health issues in the long run if we do not deal with things.  I am guilty of not doing so, and with those particular actions I have taken situations that I have not even been upset with and made them into the primary thing I am feeling negative about.  By avoiding situations, people, feelings etc… they can linger over into an area of your life that is not effected – and unfortunately, when we do that it can blow up in our faces.

I tend to try and sweep the negatives under the rug, but sometimes there are situations that arise and I catch myself getting worked up over something that really hasn’t even been the primary reason of why I am so worked up.  Dealing with negatives as they arise has been the healthiest choice i’ve made in some time … it eases the stress that is simmering under the lid – it gives me a sense of peace when I find “closure” to situations that I may feel anxious about – it keeps me in an honest place holding me accountable for the negatives that I bring into my personal space.  This is particularly important if you are emotional, and empathetic.

Screen Shot 2014-08-07 at 6.51.28 AM

I found this great little exercise online about how to rid yourself of negative energies by forgiving people/ situations as they arise.  I will share it with you here:

 

Method of Letting Go Of Anger

Here is what you say in the releasing technique: (simplified version that I use on myself and with my clients)

I give myself permission and I am ready to release all the anger to divine light that is caused (repeat the situation that causes your anger) and from my cellular memory and from my body in all time lines.

Breathe deeply from your diaphragm. Then say the following:

I am also ready to forgive (name of person who caused your anger) in all time lines and myself for carrying this anger in all time lines.

Breathe deeply again and imagine letting go of anger and all the anger releasing from your body to divine light.

If you feel that you need extra help in letting go of anger, call on Arch Angel Raphael to help you to release your anger and also to heal your cellular memory and your body.

If you do this exercise with clear and focused intention, you will heal your body and cellular memory of anger and other toxic emotions.

But, it is important to realize that there are many layers of anger within your body, so you may have to do this each time you get angry. Eventually, you will feel and see a difference – your feelings of anger towards others will diminish.

Each time you do this exercise, it is important to forgive the one you are feeling angry towards, and also yourself.

Forgiveness is choosing to change a thought, belief and an emotion with respect to other people and situations. As everything in the Universe is energy, forgiveness is also a process of transforming energy. Forgiveness is a choice as is not forgiving. When there is someone in your life that you think you cannot forgive, then the energy of that person and situation remains within your aura. 

Forgiveness is taken from Forgiveness: Forgiveness and Self-Forgiveness

You have been storing negative emotions within yourself throughout your life time, so it will take time to release all the toxicity within your body.

Each time you do this exercise, drink lots of water to help flush out the toxicity within your system.

9302247948_0c851d0082_z

Natural Homeopathic Remedies For Anger

If you find that your negative emotions such as anger have taken over your thoughts and behavior, there is a 100% herbal remedy which I recommend called Universal Homeopathic from Pure Herbs Ltd. . It contains:

  • Support Group – Rescue Remedy developed by Dr.Edward Bach, an English physician which corrects tension and emotional disorders following shock, panic, mental stress and tension
  • Willow – for those who are resentful or bitter over adverse events which have befallen them, and they feel undeserving of life’s injustices
  • Holly – for those who are disturbed by feelings of hate, jealousy, envy, suspicion, and revenge, for strong states antipathetic to love
  • Crab Apple – for those who have a poor self-image or who feel shame and unattractiveness
  • Honeysuckle – for those who have feelings of nostalgia and homesickness; instead of living in the present they are preoccupied with ‘the good old days’.

Directions: Take 3 drops on or under the tongue or rubbed into pulse points. If an attack of the problem occurs, put 12 drops in a cup of liquid and sips lowly until the feeling lifts.

 

 

Until you have released much of your anger, here are other 100% natural Homeopathic remedies from Pure Herbs that will help you to keep you calm.

  • Blue Vervain sometimes referred to as Herbal Veneris, wild Hyssop or Indian Hyssop. it is known as a sedative and is used in the treatment of nervous conditions such as hysteria and depression. Since it is also known as a diuretic it is used in the treatment of kidney disorders.
  • N.-W This is a combination of Lady’s slipper, Blue Vervain, Scullcap, Hops and Valerian Root. This combination is complete to repair, calm and stabilize the nerves. It also eliminates tension. It promotes better co-ordination and control of the body functions controlled by the brain.

 

I am definitely trying this and have seen an improvement in the way I feel.  I am definitely an emotional person so when dealing with people and situations that leave me feeling drained I tend to stew over them, over analyze them until I am completely exhausted.  This exercise keeps you in the present dealing with the exact issue that has you feeling negative and placing closure on the situation so you can move on from that feeling.

 

You can find the details of this article through the following link

http://www.beyond-hearing-voices.com/letting-go-of-anger.html

Keeping It Real: Life In The Fast Lane

creativeindex-quote6A_zpsef0f714c

 

The time in between each of my blog entries seems to be getting longer and longer.   I have a lot of thoughts that run through my mind as my day goes on, however finding time to sort my thoughts, and put them down on here seems to get lost on the back burner.

In my last entry I wrote how I felt on a day that I was in a very vulnerable place.  A part of me wants to take that entry and delete it, and the honest side of me says, “No, don’t you dare.  You were simply being a human being”…

I promised myself that I would keep it there, and that I would one day reread it – coming from a different perspective – and congratulate myself on how far i’ve come from since those feelings of helplessness and frustration – negative emotional feelings that consumed me at that moment.

The addition of one extra little boy has filled my heart with so much joy, but finding time for “me” is next to impossible as my world is filled with two little boys 24 hours a day.  Finding time to breathe and release the stresses of each day is non-existent, and finding time to meditate usually ends with me falling asleep the minute I close my eyes!  I am physically, and emotionally drained at day’s end.  Not finding this time has left me feeling like I am in a rut – and i’ve come to realize that this feeling is not bringing anything positive into my children’s lives.  They will be the best when I AM MY BEST!  I need to remember this!

I have not forgotten that special place I used to visit once a day – the place of calm, and serene.  The place where I would build up my emotional energy reservoir so I could continue on for the remainder of the day.  The place where my honesty was the best thing for me because I could learn from my emotion – both good and bad.  It’s not a forgotten place, just a place that has been less travelled over the last few weeks …. I am ready to reinvent the “new” me … the new, and improved mommy of 2!!

 

 

Maybe I Am Not So Good At This? … The Truth About Being A Mommy Of Two

It started at 12pm …

I arrive at Grandma’s to pick up my oldest and find, to my dislike, that he knows where the scissors are and is trying to reach for them in a cupboard that he can access.  I question her and she responds defensively.  Yes, I know you have raised four children of your own – I am married to one of them – but this is MY son.  My pride and joy, and I tell ya – if anything ever happened to him there would be HELL to pay – do you hear me?! ….

I walk away calm and respectful.  I call my husband and tell him we need to have a “talk” when we get home.  l try to place my son to bed a while later but my mood is “off” and I think my son can sense it.  I really SUCK at hiding my feelings – especially negative ones.  He’s hyper as hell and I swear he wants me to have a breakdown.  My youngest, 1 month old,  is now screaming at the top of his lungs.  I have two children both 2 and under and I am thinking to myself how absolutely horrible I must be…. is God punishing me for something ?  seriously, WTF!?!?!?!?  HELP ME, i’ve been good, and patient,  I’m honest, respectful …. I deserve a break – don’t I??  This HAS to be a conspiracy between the two kids, right?  Perhaps in my former life I did something to deserve this? … &#)%&)#@*$_*_@    I’m holding my infant, and bouncing him, sweating myself away, and trying hold my older sons hand as he is laying in his toddler bed.  We are sitting in the dark, and the sheer intensity of my tears is somehow managing to sooth my infant … my son is still …. being a toddler!  I think to myself, any mother would LOVE this moment, I am sure, but I feel a sense of frustration that i’ve become all too familiar with – and I don’t like it, not one bit.  I am failing miserably at being a mommy ;(

Right now I have no energy, mentally, even physically. I am in tears, and my thoughts  are focussed on self-doubt and my capabilities as a mother.  I try, in every situation, to find the positive and reach into the deepest part of my knotted stomach to find an ounce of hope – but some days, like today,  I just can’t do it.  My doubt is so grand that, through my eyes, the whole world must know how inadequate I am.  Everyone must see what a failure I am, right?!

The truth about parenting is this – it’s challenging – more days than not.  I can try to convince my honest self that I am great at it, but the truth be told – I am hesitant at even giving myself a mediocre mark at my attempt to nurture and raise these two young boys.

This blog is meant to be positive, and real.  I can see that my demeanour today is negative/ questionable but I want to speak truthfully.  I want to express my feelings of frustration, and sense of inadequacy in hopes that other mothers out there will not think they are alone – that they will understand and know that we are going thru the same battles … some more frequently than others.

… and in an instance, like magic, they’ve exhausted their tiny bodies and both fall asleep – soundly.  It’s so quiet in the house that the  silence seems surreal … I look at them both and my heart aches because of the sheer amount of frustration I had just moments prior.    I love these boys more than myself – and to doubt my abilities makes me hurt so badly – it makes me ache so painful.  I feel ashamed.  My world is, simply, incomplete without the chaos.

I want to just take a moment and give a “virtual hug” to everyone who feels like this – even if it was just once in their lives.  I am hoping to see the light at the end of the tunnel – soon! … Here’s hoping to the future, and to more “good days” to come xo