I cannot tell you how many times I have let peoples opinions of me dictate my mood, my beliefs, my values and the way I see the outside world. Constantly torn between standing up for my beliefs and opinions or keeping my mouth shut out of the goodness of my heart as to not hurt anyone else.
~ While I lacked the willpower to express my own ideas, I found myself in a state of annoyance and frustration from allowing others to indirectly control my life. Feeling helpless and unaware of who I really was took a toll on my mental well-being ~
As I reflect back on my relationships over the years I found myself feeling saddened by the continued lack of respect I had towards myself – allowing individuals to hurt me with their words, and actions. Why couldn’t I stand up for myself? I had a voice, and I should have used it – what was I so scared of?
I admired so deeply the friendships I had with strong and confident individuals – people that would stand up for themselves, and speak their opinions. I craved acceptance of others, yet looking back I realize it was at my expense. I lacked the willpower to be me. I was not being authentic to myself and repressed the ability to be honest with myself and express my needs.
Over the years I have now realized that my opinion matters and the thoughts I have do have a right to be heard. When I kept things inside I began to feel resentment, second guessing myself and beating myself up as I played out the different scenarios – the should haves and could haves – it would literally eat me alive!
When I think about the people who have hurt me over the years, by things that have been said, I know that there is aspect of truth to their words. In order to express your words one must believe in what they are saying – it’s just from a different point of view. How we receive other’s beliefs is in fact a reflection of us, and how we perceive ourselves.
I am sensitive by nature, and with all of the repressing, and suppressing of my needs that I did in the past you can only imagine how much chaos was whirling around in my mind – so when situations arose that would hurt me I was not well equipped to handle them in a mature, and understanding nature. I would immediately feel defensive, and hurt. I felt criticized, and unappreciated.
Over time I have begun to see that there are indeed the real, and the not so real friends. The way that someone tells you their version of the truth can usually identify their intensions and can give you a red flag as to their mindset, and intensions towards you as a human being. Don’t let empathy blind you, or confuse you. Always make your feelings the priority.