I came across this post on Facebook by David Mikus and wanted to share it because it is beautifully written. It details all things important in maintaining a healthy and loving marriage from his point of view … small and minute things that we take for granted, or overlook on a day-to-day basis. Things that add up and compound over time which can cause damage to the love that we worked so hard to find in the first place. Kudo’s to the writer for learning from his past behaviours and well wishes to a future filled with enduring and everlasting love!
2) PROTECT YOUR OWN HEART. Just as you committed to being the protector of her heart, you must guard your own with the same vigilance. Love yourself fully, love the world openly, but there is a special place in your heart where no one must enter except for your wife. Keep that space always ready to receive her and invite her in, and refuse to let anyone or anything else enter there.
3) FALL IN LOVE OVER and OVER and OVER again. You will constantly change. You’re not the same people you were when you got married, and in five years you will not be the same person you are today. Change will come, and in that you have to re-choose each other everyday. SHE DOESN’T HAVE TO STAY WITH YOU, and if you don’t take care of her heart, she may give that heart to someone else or seal you out completely, and you may never be able to get it back. Always fight to win her love just as you did when you were courting her.
4) ALWAYS SEE THE BEST in her. Focus only on what you love. What you focus on will expand. If you focus on what bugs you, all you will see is reasons to be bugged. If you focus on what you love, you can’t help but be consumed by love. Focus to the point where you can no longer see anything but love, and you know without a doubt that you are the luckiest man on earth to be have this woman as your wife.
5) IT’S NOT YOUR JOB TO CHANGE OR FIX HER… your job is to love her as she is with no expectation of her ever-changing. And if she changes, love what she becomes, whether it’s what you wanted or not.
6) TAKE FULL ACCOUNTABILITY for your own emotions: It’s not your wife’s job to make you happy, and she CAN’T make you sad. You are responsible for finding your own happiness, and through that your joy will spill over into your relationship and your love.
7) NEVER BLAME your wife If YOU get frustrated or angry at her, it is only because it is triggering something inside of YOU. They are YOUR emotions, and your responsibility. When you feel those feelings take time to get present and to look within and understand what it is inside of YOU that is asking to be healed. You were attracted to this woman because she was the person best suited to trigger all of your childhood wounds in the most painful way so that you could heal them… when you heal yourself, you will no longer be triggered by her, and you will wonder why you ever were.
Allow your woman to JUST BE. When she’s sad or upset, it’s not your job to fix it, it’s your job to HOLD HER and let her know it’s ok. Let her know that you hear her, and that she’s important and that you are that pillar on which she can always lean. The feminine spirit is about change and emotion and like a storm her emotions will roll in and out, and as you remain strong and unjudging she will trust you and open her soul to you… DON’T RUN-AWAY WHEN SHE’S UPSET. Stand present and strong and let her know you aren’t going anywhere. Listen to what she is really saying behind the words and emotion.
9) BE SILLY… don’t take yourself so damn seriously. Laugh. And make her laugh. Laughter makes everything else easier.
10) FILL HER SOUL EVERYDAY… learn her love languages and the specific ways that she feels important and validated and CHERISHED. Ask her to create a list of 10 THINGS that make her feel loved and memorize those things and make it a priority everyday to make her feel like a queen.
11) BE PRESENT. Give her not only your time, but your focus, your attention and your soul. Do whatever it takes to clear your head so that when you are with her you are fully WITH HER. Treat her as you would your most valuable client. She is.
12) BE WILLING TO TAKE HER SEXUALLY, to carry her away in the power of your masculine presence, to consume her and devour her with your strength, and to penetrate her to the deepest levels of her soul. Let her melt into her feminine softness as she knows she can trust you fully.
13) DON’T BE AN IDIOT…. And don’t be afraid of being one either. You will make mistakes and so will she. Try not to make too big of mistakes, and learn from the ones you do make. You’re not supposed to be perfect, just try to not be too stupid.
14) GIVE HER SPACE… The woman is so good at giving and giving, and sometimes she will need to be reminded to take time to nurture herself. Sometimes she will need to fly from your branches to go and find what feeds her soul, and if you give her that space she will come back with new songs to sing…. (okay, getting a little too poetic here, but you get the point. Tell her to take time for herself, ESPECIALLY after you have kids. She needs that space to renew and get re-centered, and to find herself after she gets lost in serving you, the kids and the world.)
15) BE VULNERABLE… you don’t have to have it all together. Be willing to share your fears and feelings, and quick to acknowledge your mistakes.
16) BE FULLY TRANSPARENT. If you want to have trust you must be willing to share EVERYTHING… Especially those things you don’t want to share. It takes courage to fully love, to fully open your heart and let her in when you don’t know i she will like what she finds… Part of that courage is allowing her to love you completely, your darkness as well as your light. DROP THE MASK… If you feel like you need to wear a mask around her, and show up perfect all the time, you will never experience the full dimension of what love can be.
17) NEVER STOP GROWING TOGETHER… The stagnant pond breeds malaria, the flowing stream is always fresh and cool. Atrophy is the natural process when you stop working a muscle, just as it is if you stop working on your relationship. Find common goals, dreams and visions to work towards.
18) DON’T WORRY ABOUT MONEY. Money is a game, find ways to work together as a team to win it. It never helps when teammates fight. Figure out ways to leverage both persons strength to win.
19) FORGIVE IMMEDIATELY and focus on the future rather than carrying weight from the past. Don’t let your history hold you hostage. Holding onto past mistakes that either you or she makes, is like a heavy anchor to your marriage and will hold you back. FORGIVENESS IS FREEDOM. Cut the anchor loose and always choose love.
20) ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. In the end, this is the only advice you need. If this is the guiding principle through which all your choices is governed, there is nothing that will threaten the happiness of your marriage. Love will always endure.
In the end MARRIAGE isn’t about Happily ever after. It’s about work. And a commitment to grow together and a willingness to continually invest in creating something that can endure eternity. Through that work, the happiness will come.
Marriage is life, and it will bring ups and downs. Embracing all of the cycles and learning to learn from and love each experience will bring the strength and perspective to keep building, one brick at a time.
These are lessons I learned the hard way. These are lessons I learned too late.
But these are lessons I am learning and committed in carrying forward. Truth is, I LOVED being married, and in time, I will get married again, and when I do, I will build it with a foundation that will endure any storm and any amount of time.
If you are reading this and find wisdom in my pain, share it those young husbands whose hearts are still full of hope, and with those couples you may know who may have forgotten how to love. One of those men may be like I was, and in these hard-earned lessons perhaps something will awaken in him and he will learn to be the man his lady has been waiting for.
The woman that told him ‘I do’, and trusted her life with him, has been waiting for this man to step up.
If you are reading this and your marriage isn’t what you want it to be, take 100% responsibility for YOUR PART in marriage, regardless of where your spouse is at, and commit to applying these lessons while there is time.
MEN- THIS IS YOUR CHARGE : Commit to being an EPIC LOVER. There is no greater challenge, and no greater prize. Your woman deserves that from.
Motherhood is a beautiful thing. A true blessing from up above that i’ve never found comparable to anything else in my life. It is a truly unique experience all on its own that has been not only the most rewarding experience, but also the most challenging.
As baby number 2 gets ready to make his big debut in 16 weeks I remember, all to well, the anxieties and worries of being a new mom. There were no words, books, or affirmations that could prepare me for the transition. My days literally went day by day, and to be honest they still do – my first-born is now 20 months old and it’s still a learning curve.
Opinions of others drove me nuts – especially from individuals who have not yet had their own, or from parents who had their children 10+ years or so ago that have blocked out having to wake up every hour, exhaustion, crying and lack of esthetic and domestic upkeep. I know they meant well, but seriously … tell me in a few years from now, okay 😉
What I can tell you about my experience as a new mom was that I wish I had embraced it more – insanity, sleeplessness, chaotic cries … AND ALL. If there is one thing that I can tell you is that not everyone wants, or has the option to have more than one child. You do not necessarily have the opportunity to “do it again” and the hours and days you spend stressed, anxious and frustrated will all be gone way too soon and you will not necessarily have the option of “round 2”, so to speak. The moments that challenge you are only a blink of an eye in the grand scheme of things and then you will be on to something else that will test your patience. Trust me, I live in the real world and I write this remembering all so clearly the dirty stinky diapers, the midnight visits from the “vomit monster”, hours or tears (from me) our of sheer frustration and insecurity … but in my mind I hear the “Mama Please”, and the “I ro ro” (meaning i love you) and my heart melts and I become a ball of emotional fuzzy warm mush. That is what being a parent is all about – we’ve never done this before. There is no training manual, or flip or switch that gets things onto the smooth path … so every day and ever circumstance is new. Learn to go with the flow.
When my son was a few months old, and I was just getting the hang of how to handle my newborn, the newborn stage became a distant memory. As he grew a little bigger he began to sit up and crawl around … and then I missed the days that I could just hold him in my arms, so docile and calm. And then he decided to walk and start saying words such as “no”, and “more” … and then I missed the days of just propping him up on a pillow and thinking how amazing it was that he was able to sit up and give me that little googly smile that told me he loved me. I didn’t take those moments for granted, but the moments were only here for split seconds … and then gone, and I missed them.
If there was anything that I learned from the first year of my first child was to appreciate the moments. Appreciate everything and be patient even with the most frustrating, and negative of feelings because it doesn’t last. Don’t expect a perfect child because they don’t exist. The perfect child IS your child. Don’t put expectations on yourself. Learn to love and embrace all of it. Once you can genuinely say you’ve done that then your journey as a mom will be worth every sleepless night. I can promise you that much!
I am honored to say that i’ve found the love of my life twice, and am excited meet my third in just a few short months. I love my boys!
Do you ever have those days where no matter how hard you try, no matter how many positive affirmations you mumble under your breath, no matter how many minute of silence you sit in meditation, no matter how many ways you look at a situation … it’s just an “off” day?
A few months ago I found myself pulled into some involuntary drama. It wasn’t out of anything less than support for my best friend as she found out her husband was cheating on her. Needless to say I was there, without any hesitation, for weeks and weeks of crying and figuring where her life would go from there. I support her no matter what but boy oh boy was I left feeling like I was mentally drained, in emotional chaos, and in a huge bundle of mess that I didn’t even know how to begin to evacuate these negative feelings.
Was it because I had previously gone thru the same issue in past relationships, was it that I was that empathetic that I could feel her emotions? I don’t know, all I know is that I felt drained and it’s a rut that has taken a long time to get out of – months. I feel like I am still being pulled under the current … not a specific reason, or something I can place my finger on … it’s just a feeling of negativity, lonliness and sorrow that stemmed from the beginning of those specific events.
One could argue that at seven months pregnant my hormones would be the culprit for this one … but nah, that wouldn’t be fair to blame as I should be in charge of my mental state, right?
I saw a post today and it resonated with me … I felt that it was the higher beings way of saying, “Hey, you … stop being so damn selfish. Snap out of your mood and put on your big girl pants. Your life is great – take a look”… and in an instance I had to agree with my subconcious … it was right … again!
I have a loyal and devoted husband. Albeit I could argue endlessly about his domestic capabilities, but that’s a battle not worth fighting in the grand scheme of things. I have a son, so innocent, that loves me without boundaries. I am his all, and everything… and I have a loyal dog, and a beautiful baby boy on the way! What more could a girl ask for, really!
I read this, and I say to myself. Pink is my favorite colour. Life is good. I have all I could possibily need in the form of my family. I don’t need anything else in this world in order to survive because I have everything that money cannot buy, and I am one lucky girl!
Today, I will walk outside, breath in the fresh air and thank god that I have my family, my health, and my life. I will pull myself out of this rut and remind myself of who I am, and where I want to be. Im living it, right now, and that’s more than enough for me to be thankful for!